Let’s face it, a
divorce is hard as it is; adding children into the equation can make things even
harder. You want to be happy yourself, you want to make sure your children
are as happy as possible, and sure, you hope your ex is ok too. Transitions
from a divorce can be uncomfortable at times, and yet liberating; a fresh
start if you will. Many will heed their advice saying that even though
you may want your spouse out of your life, it is essential to keep them
in the children’s life. Unless there is the unique situation of
it not being in the best interest of the child, though most divorces are
just irreconcilable differences and not safety issues. Here are a few
hints to keep in mind when seeking to co-parent with your ex-spouse in
order to promote a healthy environment for your children.
First off, acknowledge that there will be a natural tendency towards wanting
to be the “best” parent to your children, a sense of competition
between you and your ex. Keep in mind that this is not a healthy balance
for the children to observe, as a parent your goal is for them to grow
up healthy and strong, both mentally and physically, and this can best
be done when both parents work together towards that end. Trying to “beat”
the other spouse is only going to cause tension and stress for the child,
and distract them from what really matters in their life. As parents,
whether or not you two had irreconcilable differences doesn’t mean
that the child has to choose a favorite. Work together as the parents
and care giver of your children to push them to be the best they can be
at whatever they do in life. If you are better at art and English homework
and your ex is the athlete and science guy, then work together to use
your talents in order to equally benefit your child.
Encourage your child to seek the guidance of the other parent also, show
them that while you are divorced you are still a team in working towards
helping them grow up. As one of the parents, perhaps custody has the child
with you the majority of the time; consider keeping the other parent still
involved in the extracurricular activities. Let your ex know when their
Tuesday night basketball game is, or their Friday night performance is.
Sit together and share in the moment of your children’s successes
rather than sulk in your marriage losses. Lastly, be gracious with your
spouse; while they may have done a few things that you can’t forget,
remember that you are working together for your child’s sake and
not your own. By focusing on your child rather than yourself is going
to help your children primarily, and as parents that is an important goal to have.